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Chatting Up Women

Ladies I would like you for a brief moment to pause and reflect on the challenge facing men when it comes to making first contact. You see I wish I was James Bond. Strolling into a bar, with all the ladies looking admiringly at me, before casually dropping a humorous, yet sexy, line to the hottest woman in the place. But I’m not. I am Dave, born in Essex, and brought up on a solid diet of the idea that rejection is a bad thing.


How I think I look to women

Avoidance Tactics

For me the challenges of chatting up women manifest at two levels; having the courage to go up and speak to a woman I don’t know (or as the ‘pro’s’ call it approach anxiety) and then actually managing to say something.

The brutal reality is that I used to bail out more often than I got to a point where my mouth is required to act. In my mind there was always a plan B. As I approached if I saw the slightest sign of the target female looking anxious, about to talk to her boyfriend, searching for a weapon or just plain angry with me, I would swerve to the right or left and either head to a toilet (if they are on a path that looks like an obvious trajectory) or pause, look skyward (like Columbo possibly even holding up an index finger) as though something of massive importance has literally just occurred to me, swivel around and rush back giving the illusion of urgency.

If I actually decided to remain on course and make contact, the words I want to say, all so clear when I first set out from the other side of the pub, become jumbled up and start spinning round and re-arranging themselves the closer I get to you. You see to me everything I will ever say to an attractive girl, that I fancy, will always sound like ‘can I get in your knickers’. By the time I reach you and eye contact is engaged the words ‘Hey I was wondering if I could buy you a drink’ comes out as ‘Hey I was drinking and wondered if I could buy you’.

So you see that whilst externally I may be full of confidence and bravado (you may even be wondering why I haven’t come over and spoke given that I have spent the past hour creepily staring at you from the other side of the bar) inside I am a nervous wreck desperately wanting to say something but terrified to do so.


How I really look to women

The Fear Of Rejection

The fear of rejection is a powerful agent in the lives of the vast majority of people. There was a time when we all lived in caves when it was important to avoid rejection. Getting booted out the tribe meant certain death in the wilderness. These days though the fear is largely redundant but our evolution hasn’t caught up with this fact yet. I will wager that even your most confident, gob shite friends have rejection fears going on when you scratch just a little under the surface.

In the end I overcame it by simply changing what I expected from a conversation with a gorgeous woman. If I was under the pressure of securing a phone number or a date it all went to rat shit and I blew it.  Now I can confidently engage women I like by just asking them about their favourite subject; themselves.  Someone also bought me a book (The book of Fabulous Questions – Penelope Frohart) which helped me ask more interesting stuff than ‘can I buy you a drink’ or ‘where did you get that dress?’

All I look for these days is a nice conversation, not a date or even a phone number. As soon as I took the pressure of impressing someone else of myself (if you read the book you will recall this in the Moratorium chapter) I actually started enjoying these conversations. I also started getting more phone numbers.

What is your experience of chatting up women? Or men! Do you find it easy or does it scare the living shite out of you and make you run a mile? Let me know below – leave me a comment and share with your friends

By Dave Gammon